Signs of an Unhelpful Counselor
/As with any profession, not all counselors are the same. It’s not necessarily that there are good therapists as opposed to bad ones (although there are some of those), it’s more about finding someone who is a better fit. I’ve worked as a counselor in private practice, inpatient, intensive outpatient, and in church settings. I’m also a counselor educator and supervisor. And more than any of that, I’ve been a client of several really great counselors. Here are a few signs of poor counseling that I’ve picked up on over the years. If you’d prefer to listen to this in a podcast, here is a talk I had with fellow counselors about this topic.
Here are a few tips before you sign up with a counselor:
1. Do a quick google search of their name to find any reviews, qualifications, or other issues.
2. Ask others (doctor, pastor, friends, etc) if they know of their reputation.
3. Send them an email asking about their credentials, training, and expertise.
One caveat is this, counselors are people who live their own lives, deal with their own struggles, and have their own emergencies. They’re not perfect, so you shouldn’t expect perfection, but you should expect them to be consistently professional. When the following are frequently present, you may take it as a sign that you need to find a new counselor.
Lack of boundaries
Boundaries are essential for counseling to be effective, primarily because they are what allow you to feel safe enough to do the hard work of counseling. Poor boundaries range from things that might be unhelpful to things that are straight-up harmful.
Inappropriate sexual or physical touch
Before I talk about some signs of a poorly boundaried counselor, let me say this: if your counselor has ever made sexual advances on you or touched you in a way that feels uncomfortable, it is okay for you to report them to their state licensing board. Here in Mississippi, that can be done here for LPC’s and here for LMFT’s/Social Workers. You can also look to see disciplinary actions here for LPC’s and here for LMFT’s/Social Workers.
Talk more than listen
A lesser sign of poor boundaries shows up in how they listen to you in your session. Talking instead of listening, particularly when they are talking about themselves, shows a lack of healthy boundaries. How much of the session is about you versus how much of it is about them? When a counselor talks about themselves, it should always be towards helping you.
Advice giver/Too pushy
There’s a big difference between a counselor leading you towards a goal (which will often create discomfort), and a counselor who tries to dictate your life. Rarely should a counselor definitively tell you what you should or should not be doing. Instead, they ought to be helping you discover the different options you have and empowering you to move towards growth and health
Too Needy
When you leave your session, do you feel like your counselor needed you more than you needed them? Are they looking to you for support, personal or professional advice, or friendship? Although feeling a strong rapport with your counselor is normal, they ought not to depend on you like a friend would.
Late or Detached
Is your counselor consistently running late for the beginning of your session, or are they keeping you longer than your session was planned for? Or maybe they are just physically present but emotionally somewhere else? Maybe they consistently fall asleep or forget what you are talking about in session? These are signs of their own poor boundaries outside of session, which take away from the services you are paying them for.
Unqualified
If you signed up with a therapist because they said they could help you work through _____, and then when you get there you find out they have no formal training with that issue, feel free to ask for a referral. All counselors have been trained to listen well and help you work through issues like anxiety, depression, and stress, but they haven’t all been trained to deal with more complex issues like addiction, relationships, personality disorders, eating disorders, trauma, etc. Feel free to investigate online to see what they are specifically trained to work with and through whom they got that training. If you can’t find any information on this, you may want to ask them about their training before the first session. A competent counselor is more than happy to discuss this with you.
Their own life is out of control
Again, counselors are real people who live real lives full of real problems. Occasionally, this may disturb their availability or effectiveness. But, if you find that their personal life is consistently taking over your session or keeping them distracted, you may want to find someone whose life is less chaotic.
One size fits all
Does your counselor make assumptions about you and your story? Do they neglect to listen to you, but then tell you what they see as the problem? Do they check in with you to make sure they are on the right track, or do they plow ahead without really knowing what’s going on in your life? Whose goals for counseling are they pursuing, yours or their own? Often, when dealing with issues like addiction, your counselor will probably lay out a road map for you, and at times, you probably won’t love going where it requires. However, you ought to always feel like they are seeking to be aware of where you’re at, what you need, and how you’re doing. You should feel that your counselor is curious about you and your story, rather than self-assured based on their past work.
Avoidance
Does your counselor avoid discussing certain issues with you? Maybe you’ve gone in to talk about your marriage and they’ve discussed everything with you, except for the thing that is upsetting you, like your sex life, spouse’s abuse, or addiction. Do you feel like you’re just walking circles around the issue without ever getting to the point? If you’ve been with your counselor for multiple sessions and you still haven’t dealt with the issue you came in for, ask them to focus on it, and if they can’t, find someone new. Also, if you’ve been with this counselor for a long period of time and don’t see much of a change, it’s okay to switch to someone else.
Unbalanced feedback
Do you sometimes leave a session feeling that your counselor has a vendetta against someone or something in your life? Maybe it feels like they have a chip on their shoulder that constantly falls onto you. Ideally, a counselor will give you balanced feedback, which may be uncomfortable, but always seeks to take the whole story into account. If, however, they consistently make blanket statements about people or problems that seem very one-sided, they may be pretty unbalanced themselves.
Your counselor is not responsible for your growth, recovery, or goals being met (that’s on you), but they are responsible to show up professionally and provide appropriate treatment to help get you there.
The bottom line is this: do you feel seen, understood, and safe when you leave their office?
If not, it is perfectly acceptable to find a new counselor.
Here is more information about finding a counselor who best fits your needs.